If you’ve found yourself having the same argument over and over again—where things escalate quickly, voices get louder, or one of you shuts down entirely—you’re not alone. As a Marriage and Family Therapist I see couples who often feel trapped in painful, repetitive patterns of disconnection.
They often tell me:
“We love each other… but we can’t seem to stop fighting.”
“No matter what I say, it feels like I’m not heard.”
“When things get tense, I just shut down… and that makes things worse.”
What’s Really Going On?
These repeated patterns aren’t about the surface issues—dishes, parenting decisions, or how someone looked at their phone at dinner. They’re about attachment needs and emotional signals that are getting lost in translation.
This is a negative interaction cycle—a loop of behaviors and reactions that both partners fall into when they’re feeling vulnerable, but don’t know how to safely reach for each other.
Let me give you an example.
A Common Cycle: Pursue–Withdraw
Meet Alex and Jordan (names changed for confidentiality). Alex often feels anxious when there’s distance in the relationship, so they pursue—raising concerns, asking questions, sometimes with frustration. Jordan feels overwhelmed and unsure of how to respond, so they withdraw—shutting down, getting quiet, or physically leaving the room.
To Alex, Jordan’s silence feels like rejection. To Jordan, Alex’s intensity feels like criticism. Neither is trying to hurt the other, but both end up feeling alone.
This is the cycle. And once you’re in it, it can feel impossible to get out.
How to Break the Cycle
I believe it is not helpful to label one person as “the problem.” Instead, look at the cycle as the problem. Together, explore what’s happening under the surface:
- What are the raw spots being touched?
- What emotions are going unspoken—like fear of rejection, sadness, or longing?
- What does each partner truly need in those moments?
When couples begin to recognize the cycle—and the pain beneath it—they stop seeing each other as the enemy. They begin to move from blame to bonding.
A New Way to Respond
Imagine this: Instead of Alex saying, “Why don’t you ever talk to me?” (which Jordan hears as criticism), Alex learns to say, “When you pull away, I feel scared that I don’t matter to you.” That’s vulnerable—and it creates space for connection.
And instead of Jordan saying nothing or walking away, they learn to say, “I shut down because I don’t want to make things worse. But I want to be close too. I just get stuck.”
These small but powerful shifts open the door to healing.
If You’re Stuck, You’re Not Broken
The truth is, all couples get stuck sometimes. The ones who thrive aren’t the ones who never argue—they’re the ones who learn how to repair. Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy offers a roadmap to do just that, by helping you:
- Understand your negative cycle and how it takes over
- Tune into your deeper emotions and attachment needs
- Reach for your partner in ways that invite safety and connection
Take the First Step
If this cycle sounds familiar, know that you’re not alone—and that change is possible. Working with a marriage and family therapist can help you move from conflict to closeness, and from disconnection to deeper emotional intimacy.
You deserve a relationship where both of you feel seen, heard, and loved.
Feeling Stuck? Reach out for a free consultation or explore more about couples therapy, feel free to reach out. www.mirandacounseling.com
My work as a therapist is informed by Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) a research based model developed by Dr. Sue Johnson. The underlying principles come from our basic needs for connection and healthy relationships (attachment.) Dr. Johnson was a pioneer in helping us understand how our relationships can get off course, and what we can do to heal and connect in the ways we deeply desire.
Warmly,
Tracy Carter, LCMFT
Licensed Clinical Marriage & Family Therapist Tracy@mirandacounselng.com
